Sunday, September 4, 2011


I'm back. And by "I", I mean the Holly I try to run away from, the Holly I try to so hard to leave behind. But the young little Holly inside of me is only more devastated when I have to come back and look her in the eyes, disgusted that she's still there.

And perhaps therein lies the problem. For a long time, I thought there was a monster in me; however, I recently realized that there's something worse--a poor, sad, neglected little girl. And she's so pathetic, I can't face her. And the problem is, I've come to resent her, just like my mother resented her. And so her heart only breaks more, and the darkness within me only consumes more of me.

I was doing well for sometime, and I actually endured more than I've ever managed to endure. And I told Fred I was nearing my breaking point. I told him I was at the point where "normally" I'd run away and lose all sense of reality. I finally admitted to him, and to myself, that I needed him. But what do you think happened? He let me down, and in a big way. I finally, for the first time, completely opened myself to him...and he left me alone. I tried to verbalize that I was hitting my breaking point, that I was at a point where my BPD was overwhelming me...and he neglected me. His parents were out of control, and he did nothing to defend or protect me.

And so I left him.

I've already talked to a few other guys. For once, my heart isn't breaking, but instead I'm breaking hearts by turning relationships down. I met someone who sees me for exactly who I am--he sees the strong and the vulnerable. He knows how fucked up I really am. And yet he wants to be with me because he thinks that I'm an amazing person. He wants to eventually, in the relatively near future, get a place together with Baby Boy. And I really liked him, but I'm actually being not-crazy and looking at him objectively. Six months ago, I would've jumped at this opportunity. But now, I'm strong enough to pick being alone over being with someone I know isn't my "dream man". I don't know what my dream man IS, but I know what he ISN'T. And I'm actually talking to guys, but not letting things get physical...can you believe it??

Nevertheless, I'm still flirting and dancing the night away, when I'm not talking care of my baby boy. I've already had three guys. The thing that really sucks is, the third is the closest I've ever had to my dream man. He, too, sees me for everything I am, everything I pretend to be, and everything I'm not. I even told him about the depression I've struggled with. But, he's my boss. And I'm at a big corporation, and he could lose his career. And people at work talk. And he wants to give me what I deserve. We know we can't sneak around. He and I are able to communicate so openly and efficiently, though, that this is all working out. I'm just bummed.

And what's bad is I already have a potential guy lined up.

I don't know how to be alone. I don't have to be, either, because there's always at least one guy lined up. I need to be alone, but I always want to find out if he might be the right guy...


  1. You don't have to be alone, but you don't have to depend on a guy either.
    I don't have a personality disorder, so I won't pretend to know what you go thru. I do know that depending on others to give us what we need near never works out.
    Go to a gym, a library, a walk. Anything that get's you tired enought to go home, go to bed, and try again tomorow.
    You're young. when you're young you think you can always try again tomorow. I did. Tomorow comes fast. Your son only has one childhood. Now is when he's developing and becoming the person he'll always be. Make him your priority, forgive him, love him, let him know how important he is.
    Good Luck!

  2. Being alone sucks. I hate it and it's nice to have a guy around. I have never been alone so I can't speak from experience but always remember you can handle being alone. As long as you know you will be ok if you are alone you can make wise decisions. It sounds like your looking at the men in your life objectively and that's good. Keep your chin up.

  3. Hello Blackbird,
    I found your blog a few days ago and... it was a very strong experience for me. I have BPD too and I was looking up some information, while I came across your posts and it was so... full of emotion, to read that someone has similar feelings as I have, sometimes I was relieved, sometimes sad... but above all, I discovered that I am not alone! And it means I am not such a big looser as I thought. Thank you very much for this.
    Also, you are much more advanced than I am (at least you know, rationally, that you are a good and interesting person, and you are working hard to love yourself) and it gives me hope. Please, keep writing.