1. We are monsters
I've been doing a lot of research, reading a lot of blogs, and I notice that there is this definite negative overtone regarding borderlines...and the sad thing is, it's accepted as okay, even by other borderlines. There are more support groups for people "dealing with" someone who has BPD than there are support groups for people with BPD to get help. So first, to all you people who "have to deal with" some one who has Borderline Personality Disorder...I get it. We're difficult. We're an emotional roller coaster. Some of us have rages, temper tantrums, and are manipulative in various ways. But remember that these are all symptoms. They are not who we are. They're the signs of a pain so terrible is unfathomable to anyone who hasn't been on the inside of personality disorders, depression ect. If you think you're living an emotional roller coaster, stop for a second and have some compassion, because we have a constant emotional tornado ripping through our bodies.
And there are a lot of professionals who write about borderline personality for non-borderlines. I read so many negative phrases:
- "If they're committed to change, they might improve". How about sending some positive energy our way? That's what we drastically need. Let's rephrase: "When they truly commit to change, they will improve". I'm not saying I'm cured, but I am committed to change. Every moment of the day I am mindful of my thoughts, and I am mindful of changing the way my brain is wired, and I HAVE seen an amazing difference already. IT IS POSSIBLE.
- "...a wolf in sheep's clothing, but no less diabolical" Okay, we're not diabolical. It's not like we want to be manipulative. We're hurt, we're scared. I'm not saying that we do things the preferable way, BUT DO NOT MAKE US OUT TO BE BAD. Reading shit like these articles doesn't help anyone. Think of it this way...the Borderline who googles "Borderline Personality Disorder" is already one step towards awareness and change. Imagine the great set back we all face when every article we read confirms our greatest fear: that we are inherently bad. And for the friends/family these articles are being written for, it just makes it worse for them because they get a negative attitude about us, and since we're sensitive we pick up on it and freak out even more. It's a lose-lose situation.
- "At some point in this dynamic, you must ask yourself; "what's the payoff, in my wanting to be involved...?" Gee, thanks, thanks a lot. Way to help the Borderlines of the world, tell everyone they're not worth sticking around for. But we are. We're incredibly strong and resilient, because our disorder is the by-product of having survived something painful, something terrible. At one point, or maybe multiple points, in our lives, BPD has saved us from completely crumbling. But now we need to realize that we don't need these Borderline tendencies anymore...we can find the organic strength within and rise above the misery.
- I read a lot about how borderlines make you feel guilty, make you hate yourself, make you tend to your every need...". Hey, we're out here trying to get help because we're owning up, admitting we have a problem and trying our damnedest to take responsibility for this. So how about you all grow a pair and take responsibility for your own emotions, too? On a more compassionate note, that's not to say living with a borderline is hard. BUT we have a mental illness. No one hated on Lennie for squishing the mouse (kudos to those who get the reference)...you don't call a severely Autistic kid dramatic and inappropriate for freaking out at a restaurant. But, the difference with Borderlines is that we can (and should) be held responsible for our actions. It sucks, yes, but we learn and grow. We can change, its just scary and it hurts like hell.
2. We cannot change
Wrong again! We can change. It's just so hard when everywhere we turn for help (family, friends, the internet, blogging...) we are faced with confirmations of our greatest fears (as mentioned above).
But we can change the way our brain is wired, and therefore the way our mind responds to things. "When your mind changes, your brain changes, too. In the saying from the work of psychologist Donald Hebb: when neurons fire together, they wire together--mental activity actually creates new structures". This is the opening sentence from the book I just started reading this morning, Buddha's Brain, the practical neuroscience of happiness, love & wisdom. If we can change our brains, we can literally change our lives.
I have already changed. I'm still experiencing borderline moments, but I call them for what they are. I recognize that I might be overly sensitive, but that it's okay to feel the emotion nonetheless. And then I let it pass. I'm working on healing my inner child, the child that longs for a mother and causes me to seek validation anywhere I can get it. I'm teaching my sex kitten find confidence in herself rather than in others (and teaching her that a vibrator is her new best friend...). And now, things that would have sent me over the edge just two months ago are now something that I observe and learn from.
Changing isn't easy. We cannot be changed...rather, the change must come from within. And to summon that change, we have to look within and face the darkness, the hurt, the anger, the hatred...and that is what's hard. That is where most of us get stuck. And so we look for ways to heal on google, and then we just find all this garbage about what awful people we are. Well here's my anger speaking: Fuck you, you try and deal with the shit I've gone through and come out more sane than I am. I'm hurt. Very hurt. We need to love ourselves, and having a little love, support and compassion from those around us is more of a conducive environment for healing than focusing on our symptoms. Yes, our symptoms suck. When you have a viral illness, you don't say that you have vomiting.
Okay, time to go to yoga. As I read my book, I will keep posting on how WE CAN CHANGE.