Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Another day that isn't yesterday

I recently had a comment on one of my earlier posts from A.Chocobo inquiring as to whether or not I had advice, because they believe they might be Borderline, as well. 
Quizzes online can open doors to ideas we’d yet to come across, but that’s it--it’s all ideas, and general ones at that. Ultimately, we are the only ones who truly know our experiences and the effects they have on us. I can describe the pain of my five-year self backwards and forwards, but no one else will ever feel the exact repercussions. But you know your pain. And perhaps you’ve let that pain consume you.
That is where our downfall lies--when we allow our EXPERIENCES overcome us, consume us. We have these unique experiences that are labeled “borderline”, and we relinquish control of our future experiences by giving our past experiences power in the present. Borderline is not who we are, but what we have gone through and how we let it affect us. Borderline means something different to all of us. And so I urge you all to join in and write about what Borderline means in your life, and post a link to your writing here so we can all get through this together.
For me, it’s the aching and yearning of my five-year old self. It’s the darkness she experiences, the isolation and confusion she felt from a mother who projected her self-hatred onto her daughter. It’s the fear of her mother being right--the fear of being an inherently bad, disgusting person. For me it’s the slap across my face, a slap so hard that my nose bled. For me it’s wanting to run away from everyone who knows me so I can run away from myself. For me BPD is the desire to be accepted, the need for validation I never received. 
BPD is not who we are, but merely a name for, and a means of categorizing, our past experiences. 
What gets me through is focusing on what I have control over and ONLY what I have control over. I DO NOT have control over my past--and what’s wonderful is that the past is over. I do not have control over how others act. But I do have control over how I act. I do have control over allowing BPD to consume me. I do have control over separating my experiences in my childhood from the world I’m experiencing in the present. And it’s hard. I struggle every single day. 
I’ve wanted to run away from my job for a long time. But I stick it out. I deal with others and I deal with myself and force myself to be the person I want to be. And then, after an incredible day where I’ve made remarkable progress, I get in my car and cry. I allow myself to feel the pain. Because it’s okay. And then I get up the next morning stronger, ready for another day that isn’t yesterday.

8 comments:

  1. In response to your comment, BPD to me was not feeling like I fitted in, and not feeling like I was a part of my family or friends or a group like that. It was being depressed, self-harming, wanting to die. I eventually confided in a friend though, and then all of my friends and my immediate family. I don't have any scars so no-one would notice if they saw me or anything, but I still get the feelings and thoughts. I'm just not totally over it yet, that's all. Thanks for your posts though you gave me the courage to write about my experiences on my own blog and to be more open about them!! :) Thanks!
    Dabbler

    ReplyDelete
  2. Holly, I just stumbled upon your blog for the first time and am quite glad I did. I instantly found myself identifying and relating with your experiences and sharing your pain. It is indeed a daily struggle with this illness but I find strength and comfort in knowing that there are others out there such as yourself who share in this battle. Thank you for giving me the hope to carry on. Oh, and thank you for sharing specifically what BPD means to you and your experience therein. Personally, I'd hadn't put much thought into the matter in quite some time and am eager to put my reflections into writing. I was going to post a reply here but found such to already be far too long, so I've decided to dedicate a whole blog post to it! Please feel free to check out my blog at your leisure: http://www.bpdisme2.wordpress.com I will add you to my blogroll and look forward to hearing more from you! :) *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for your article. I agree with you that the best thing to do is to focus on the things you can control and not the things you can't. I have looked for resources to help me with my BPD and I found a really helpful website http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-bpic which offers a lot of great information on treating BPD. Hope this is helpful!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Holly, I came across your blog as I was browsing the internet late last night looking up Borderline Personality Disorder. I have to say, it was quite serendipitous to come across your site. Blackbird is one of my favorite songs and I've always felt a connection to it. I am actually planning on walking down the isle to it when I get married in August this year. And then for it to be attached to this phrase, Borderline Personality Disorder, which my therapist of 4 years has finally told me I have (I finally asked her). But it makes total sense because life has been a constant struggle. It was just yesterday I was asking the universe to connect me with someone who could understand the pain I suffer on a daily basis. And then I found your blog! Thank you for your words, and your strength! I have actually just recently started my own blog (before i found out I had BPD). Please feel free to check it out. www.lizziethealienchild.com. I hope to read more from you in the near future!

    ReplyDelete
  5. If a BPD is me in the past, then who am i in the present?
    Can someone with a BPD answer this? As i have read we should have problems answering this question and even if we do it`s unstable.
    Anyways it`s a nice though to let go of the past, to relive oneself of the negative, but damn is it hard!
    I don`t have a blog, but i have been writing a diary for some time, and i must say it really helps. I fell relieve and some sort of joy after putting my thoughts into words.
    By the way could you tell me how does it fell to experience both negative and positive emotions simultaneously?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I found this page and was finally glad to find some blogging about their experience with bpd. After a long struggle with medications for depression and diagnosis such as depession and adjustment disorder I ended up in the er of a local hospital after physical altercations with my bf and self harm I was admitted to the mental health ward. After another combo of meds I still find myself off of them and unable to deal with the stress of life. My family thinks I make it up for attention and I'm truly alone tofind that balance in life. I have two kids school and hopefully soon a job. Stress is the hardest thing for me to handle. Christmas of all things has been hell. But I look forward to reading more and seeing how others cope. Thank u. This is such a blessing for me. All the best.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Schizotypal personality disorder is seen as someone who has great difficulty in establishing and maintaining close relationships online websites. Having it . schizotypal personality disorder may have extreme discomfort basic relationships, and thus have a smaller convenience of them. Someone using this type of disorder normally has cognitive or perceptual distortions in addition to eccentricities inside their everyday behavior.

    Schizotypal personality disorder
    Schizotypal personality disorder
    Schizotypal personality disorder

    ReplyDelete