The Monster in Me

I think that the most common misconceptions about BPD are that we are monsters and that we cannot, under any circumstance, change.

1. We are monsters
I've been doing a lot of research, reading a lot of blogs, and I notice that there is this definite negative overtone regarding borderlines...and the sad thing is, it's accepted as okay, even by other borderlines. There are more support groups for people "dealing with" someone who has BPD than there are support groups for people with BPD to get help. So first, to all you people who "have to deal with" some one who has Borderline Personality Disorder...I get it. We're difficult. We're an emotional roller coaster. Some of us have rages, temper tantrums, and are manipulative in various ways. But remember that these are all symptoms. They are not who we are. They're the signs of a pain so terrible is unfathomable to anyone who hasn't been on the inside of personality disorders, depression ect. If you think you're living an emotional roller coaster, stop for a second and have some compassion, because we have a constant emotional tornado ripping through our bodies.
And there are a lot of professionals who write about borderline personality for non-borderlines. I read so many negative phrases:

• "If they're committed to change, they might improve". How about sending some positive energy our way? That's what we drastically need. Let's rephrase: "When they truly commit to change, they will improve". I'm not saying I'm cured, but I am committed to change. Every moment of the day I am mindful of my thoughts, and I am mindful of changing the way my brain is wired, and I HAVE seen an amazing difference already. IT IS POSSIBLE.
• "...a wolf in sheep's clothing, but no less diabolical" Okay, we're not diabolical. It's not like we want to be manipulative. We're hurt, we're scared. I'm not saying that we do things the preferable way, BUT DO NOT MAKE US OUT TO BE BAD. Reading shit like these articles doesn't help anyone. Think of it this way...the Borderline who googles "Borderline Personality Disorder" is already one step towards awareness and change. Imagine the great set back we all face when every article we read confirms our greatest fear: that we are inherently bad. And for the friends/family these articles are being written for, it just makes it worse for them because they get a negative attitude about us, and since we're sensitive we pick up on it and freak out even more. It's a lose-lose situation. 
• "At some point in this dynamic, you must ask yourself; "what's the payoff, in my wanting to be involved...?" Gee, thanks, thanks a lot. Way to help the Borderlines of the world, tell everyone they're not worth sticking around for. But we are. We're incredibly strong and resilient, because our disorder is the by-product of having survived something painful, something terrible. At one point, or maybe multiple points, in our lives, BPD has saved us from completely crumbling. But now we need to realize that we don't need these Borderline tendencies anymore...we can find the organic strength within and rise above the misery.
• I read a lot about how borderlines make you feel guilty, make you hate yourself, make you tend to your every need...". Hey, we're out here trying to get help because we're owning up, admitting we have a problem and trying our damnedest to take responsibility for this. So how about you all grow a pair and take responsibility for your own emotions, too? On a more compassionate note, that's not to say living with a borderline is hard. BUT we have a mental illness. No one hated on Lennie for squishing the mouse (kudos to those who get the reference)...you don't call a severely Autistic kid dramatic and inappropriate for freaking out at a restaurant. But, the difference with Borderlines is that we can (and should) be held responsible for our actions. It sucks, yes, but we learn and grow. We can change, its just scary and it hurts like hell.

A good example of showing compassion for a Borderline is me and my mother. She is the angry, abusive, entirely disconnected from reality borderline. And boy did she abuse me. But when I see her, it does not trigger me, and I cannot feel anything but compassion for her, because I know that she lives in a world of sadness, darkness, and pain. I know how scary it is. And I know that she just wants love. She really does just want me close to her so badly. She doesn't mean to hurt me (now that I'm older its only emotional abuse, boundary violation ect). And when she does, now that I'm older I do hold her accountable for what she did, but I do so with compassion. When she read my diary and told my dad and Fred everything I wrote (and lied, and exaggerated...me being curious about mushrooms turned into me being addicted to cocaine...), I told her that what she did was unacceptable and not okay under any circumstance. I told her that I love her very much, that I'm not going to abandon her or take her grandbaby out of her life, but that I am going to move away from her and take some space. This was the first time I ever responded to her with complete compassion, and you know what...it worked. She apologized. She has NEVER apologized to me. EVER EVER EVER. I know she was trying to win me back, but hey, it's progress. I go visit her, we talk about neutral things, and she plays with Baby. And I can see how happy it makes her to be with Baby, so I send her little text messages about Baby asking to see her, or I send her pictures of him blowing the camera a kiss.

2. We cannot change
Wrong again! We can change. It's just so hard when everywhere we turn for help (family, friends, the internet, blogging...) we are faced with confirmations of our greatest fears (as mentioned above).
But we can change the way our brain is wired, and therefore the way our mind responds to things. "When your mind changes, your brain changes, too. In the saying from the work of psychologist Donald Hebb: when neurons fire together, they wire together--mental activity actually creates new structures". This is the opening sentence from the book I just started reading this morning, Buddha's Brain, the practical neuroscience of happiness, love & wisdom. If we can change our brains, we can literally change our lives.
I have already changed. I'm still experiencing borderline moments, but I call them for what they are. I recognize that I might be overly sensitive, but that it's okay to feel the emotion nonetheless. And then I let it pass. I'm working on healing my inner child, the child that longs for a mother and causes me to seek validation anywhere I can get it. I'm teaching my sex kitten find confidence in herself rather than in others (and teaching her that a vibrator is her new best friend...). And now, things that would have sent me over the edge just two months ago are now something that I observe and learn from.

Changing isn't easy. We cannot be changed...rather, the change must come from within. And to summon that change, we have to look within and face the darkness, the hurt, the anger, the hatred...and that is what's hard. That is where most of us get stuck. And so we look for ways to heal on google, and then we just find all this garbage about what awful people we are. Well here's my anger speaking: Fuck you, you try and deal with the shit I've gone through and come out more sane than I am. I'm hurt. Very hurt. We need to love ourselves, and having a little love, support and compassion from those around us is more of a conducive environment for healing than focusing on our symptoms. Yes, our symptoms suck. When you have a viral illness, you don't say that you have vomiting.

Okay, time to go to yoga. As I read my book, I will keep posting on how WE CAN CHANGE.

Hi, I'm Holly. And I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Okay, so my name isn't Holly. But I do have Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm also battling depression, and I have anxiety attacks on a daily basis that stem from my BPD issues.

I've always loved writing, and since I was ten years old I kept a diary. Looking back at the first page of my first diary, I realize that, deep down, I always knew I had BPD. My ten year-old self wrote, "I have so much hatred, and I need to get it out. So I bought this diary...". I'm sad for my ten year-old self...at that age, a child should be innocent and ignorant to the pains of reality.

But... "Unhappiness does not come from the way things are, but from the difference between how things are and how we think they should be" -Creflo Dollar

Back to writing though...

So here I am, ten years after putting a pen to my first diary, writing this blog. A part of it is for the same therapeutic reasons I've always had; but also for a bigger reason. For a long time I didn't know what was going on inside of me. Emotions came and went, my life would have extreme highs and even lower lows. I kept running away from something, anything...and then one day, I figured out what I was running away from: myself. The awareness of the monster, of the darkness, of the borderline, inside of me is terrifying. There is nothing more painful than knowing that something is creeping inside of you, seeping through your good intentions and spoiling your hopes and dreams. And at times, at those darkest times, it feels as if nothing can stop the monster.

I honestly don't know if anything can stop that monster, but every day I fight that monster, I fight to be better. Objectively, I know that I'm a good person. But the borderline inside of me is like a separate part of me, a part of me that seeps into every thought and action without being invited. And the borderline tells me I'm worthless, a failure, disgusting, and hopeless. And the borderline has eyes--my mother eye's, filled with hatred and disgust for me, for ten year-old me.

I have moments where I can feel my "true self" rising above, surfacing above the violent, raging waters. But when I surface I hardly have time to gasp for air before I'm pulled down again, down into the darkness and despair of BPD.

It is in having these juxtaposing experiences, though, that I am able to work on separating myself from the monster. I do not hate myself, even though sometimes I feel like I do. In reality, I hate the borderline voice permeating into my life uninvited.

I feel like I have been awakened, and its like I opened my eyes under the dark waters of BPD and Depression, seeing things that people don't often see or cannot communicate to the rest of the world. There are people in my life who just don't understand Depression or a Personality Disorder like BPD...I somehow got lucky enough to have two of the disorders that are most stigmatized and that people are most ignorant to. And it hurts SO much to have this...it only perpetuates the issue. I cannot stand being judged, I NEED validation, and all I want is acceptance and unconditional love. Needless to say, people thinking I'm a screw up, crazy, emo, ect. does NOT help.

And I know there are more people like me out there. And we need each other, and we need the people in our lives to understand, or at least seek to understand. So I'm putting my heart and soul (just not my name) out there, in hopes that this blog will become a window for SOMEONE to see into a world that is misunderstood and stigmatized. Or maybe it'll be a window into a world that you're living in. I want to help people with BPD, people who are suffering Depression, and people who know other BPD/Depressed people.

Saying "Don't worry about what other people think" to someone with BPD is like telling someone with an Anxiety Disorder, "Don't worry!". But for some reason, when I try to tell people this, they just don't understand a personality disorder that is so seemingly functional. I know for me, people just always ended up thinking I was annoying for wanting to please everyone. And then they wouldn't like me, which would only perpetuate the issue. So, I hope that by raising awareness of BPD and perhaps shedding enough light on the topic for people to just ACCEPT US, maybe, just maybe, it'll be easier for people to get help.

Ironically, admitting that I have BPD has been something that really helped me start transcending my suffering into growth, compassion, and healing. It was in validating the fact that I am not BAD, but instead "just" have a condition that I need to learn how to effectively live with, that first made me realize that I didn't have to hate myself.