1. We are monsters
I've been doing a lot of research, reading a lot of blogs, and I notice that there is this definite negative overtone regarding borderlines...and the sad thing is, it's accepted as okay, even by other borderlines. There are more support groups for people "dealing with" someone who has BPD than there are support groups for people with BPD to get help. So first, to all you people who "have to deal with" some one who has Borderline Personality Disorder...I get it. We're difficult. We're an emotional roller coaster. Some of us have rages, temper tantrums, and are manipulative in various ways. But remember that these are all symptoms. They are not who we are. They're the signs of a pain so terrible is unfathomable to anyone who hasn't been on the inside of personality disorders, depression ect. If you think you're living an emotional roller coaster, stop for a second and have some compassion, because we have a constant emotional tornado ripping through our bodies.
And there are a lot of professionals who write about borderline personality for non-borderlines. I read so many negative phrases:
- "If they're committed to change, they might improve". How about sending some positive energy our way? That's what we drastically need. Let's rephrase: "When they truly commit to change, they will improve". I'm not saying I'm cured, but I am committed to change. Every moment of the day I am mindful of my thoughts, and I am mindful of changing the way my brain is wired, and I HAVE seen an amazing difference already. IT IS POSSIBLE.
- "...a wolf in sheep's clothing, but no less diabolical" Okay, we're not diabolical. It's not like we want to be manipulative. We're hurt, we're scared. I'm not saying that we do things the preferable way, BUT DO NOT MAKE US OUT TO BE BAD. Reading shit like these articles doesn't help anyone. Think of it this way...the Borderline who googles "Borderline Personality Disorder" is already one step towards awareness and change. Imagine the great set back we all face when every article we read confirms our greatest fear: that we are inherently bad. And for the friends/family these articles are being written for, it just makes it worse for them because they get a negative attitude about us, and since we're sensitive we pick up on it and freak out even more. It's a lose-lose situation.
- "At some point in this dynamic, you must ask yourself; "what's the payoff, in my wanting to be involved...?" Gee, thanks, thanks a lot. Way to help the Borderlines of the world, tell everyone they're not worth sticking around for. But we are. We're incredibly strong and resilient, because our disorder is the by-product of having survived something painful, something terrible. At one point, or maybe multiple points, in our lives, BPD has saved us from completely crumbling. But now we need to realize that we don't need these Borderline tendencies anymore...we can find the organic strength within and rise above the misery.
- I read a lot about how borderlines make you feel guilty, make you hate yourself, make you tend to your every need...". Hey, we're out here trying to get help because we're owning up, admitting we have a problem and trying our damnedest to take responsibility for this. So how about you all grow a pair and take responsibility for your own emotions, too? On a more compassionate note, that's not to say living with a borderline is hard. BUT we have a mental illness. No one hated on Lennie for squishing the mouse (kudos to those who get the reference)...you don't call a severely Autistic kid dramatic and inappropriate for freaking out at a restaurant. But, the difference with Borderlines is that we can (and should) be held responsible for our actions. It sucks, yes, but we learn and grow. We can change, its just scary and it hurts like hell.
2. We cannot change
Wrong again! We can change. It's just so hard when everywhere we turn for help (family, friends, the internet, blogging...) we are faced with confirmations of our greatest fears (as mentioned above).
But we can change the way our brain is wired, and therefore the way our mind responds to things. "When your mind changes, your brain changes, too. In the saying from the work of psychologist Donald Hebb: when neurons fire together, they wire together--mental activity actually creates new structures". This is the opening sentence from the book I just started reading this morning, Buddha's Brain, the practical neuroscience of happiness, love & wisdom. If we can change our brains, we can literally change our lives.
I have already changed. I'm still experiencing borderline moments, but I call them for what they are. I recognize that I might be overly sensitive, but that it's okay to feel the emotion nonetheless. And then I let it pass. I'm working on healing my inner child, the child that longs for a mother and causes me to seek validation anywhere I can get it. I'm teaching my sex kitten find confidence in herself rather than in others (and teaching her that a vibrator is her new best friend...). And now, things that would have sent me over the edge just two months ago are now something that I observe and learn from.
Changing isn't easy. We cannot be changed...rather, the change must come from within. And to summon that change, we have to look within and face the darkness, the hurt, the anger, the hatred...and that is what's hard. That is where most of us get stuck. And so we look for ways to heal on google, and then we just find all this garbage about what awful people we are. Well here's my anger speaking: Fuck you, you try and deal with the shit I've gone through and come out more sane than I am. I'm hurt. Very hurt. We need to love ourselves, and having a little love, support and compassion from those around us is more of a conducive environment for healing than focusing on our symptoms. Yes, our symptoms suck. When you have a viral illness, you don't say that you have vomiting.
Okay, time to go to yoga. As I read my book, I will keep posting on how WE CAN CHANGE.
There really is just so much negativity surrounding BPD. It's one of the things I'm really trying to counter as well. Show what it is, yes even some of the tumultous behaviour, but ultimately, educate and gain understanding for those of us suffering wiht it and those that live with us suffering with it. Love it.
ReplyDeleteI don't see realization as negativity. And yes, you are a product of your childhood to some extent, but genetic pre-disposition is part of that as well.
ReplyDeleteYou can't Buddhism away all your mental ailments. What you can do is increase your control over you illness, but you can't make a personality cease to exist with anything short of a lobotomy (which gets rid of ALL of you).
If you consider BPD to be a sickness and not a part of you, that's a sign of denial and self-hatred, and it's easier to split a part of you into an undesirable category to be purged than it is to accept it and work with it. You're doing something in-between, you're not accepting it, but you are working with it.
It doesn't change the fact that it is something you will have to manage for the rest of your life. Will the extremes be as bad as they were when you were a teen? I certainly hope not. That doesn't mean they will one day poof though.
I think you need to change your outlook. This is probably exactly what the book is talking about. If you think you can't, then you cant.
DeleteMaybe you can change and you are not one of the diabolic borderliners - wish you luck and cherrish what you do. Thanks for trying to protect us from your monster within.
ReplyDeleteBut there are others - borderliners differ. My whole family including myself and our lifes have been mentally, emotionally, financially and at last partially physically (3 people died of a heart attack after being terrorised and asaulted) slain by my "nice helpless cant touch a fly but turn into adolfine hitler when nobody whatches" borderline mother. So the day you side with the victims of borderliners and feel pitty for them same as yourself for being dragged down into the murderous sink by worse people with the same affliction you have, I'd consider you truely changed. Good luck with that, it probably depends on what else you are besides borderline to overcome and change. If I were you I'd think about being unfairly judged due to the conduct of people with a similar problem but worse character and conduct. In the end you might just be a victim of bad people with borderline, too... .
I am married to a man with borderline personality disorder and he is a monster. He would rather die than get better and since he is so sick, he works very hard at making everyone around him miserable.
ReplyDeleteHe is a master manipulator..irrational until he sees some advantage in seeming rational. Raging until the entire house is disrupted then acting as if everyone else is being the angry ones. The borderline personality delights in other's pain.
These people need to go prey on each other and leave those of us with somewhat normal psyches alone. They do not change they just shed their skin somewhat.
They truly are monsters..and they can't rest until they destroy another's happiness.
Is a male borderline destined to be alone? So far the only currency I have to get some intimacy and consideration is cold hard cash. I am a passive aggressive and have no access to decent theraphy. Hence my "management" have been more to deny my needs as any attempt to interact and built relationships always ends in disappointment or betrayal.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know what was wrong with me until last week. I am 50, and I am BPD. One day I won't be. Yes, I have had many walk away from me for being "evil." I was coping with severe physical and verbal abuse, and chose the wrong method--the same method the BPDs used against me as a child and young man. But I am breaking the cycle. We all can.
ReplyDeleteOk, I'm sick of this. My mother, a "bpd", has been systematically manipulating me emotionally and psychologically my entire life. The only thing I want is to get away from her, but she keeps slandering me to every outsider unaware of her "condition" to eradicate any possibility of me having some kind of life. I dream every day and pray that god will kill me. Please god just kill me. But he/she/it never seems to honor this simple request. I have tried everything in every one of the multitude of books I have read to care for her, help her, try to help myself, etc etc etc etc etc and on and on. I don't even want my life back anymore, I just want to die but can't bring myself to kill myself. I'm hoping that this will change because I do not have any other options. You want to talk about pain? I wonder what the suicide rate is for adult children of BPDs. They never seem to bring that up. Forgive me if I don't sound more "compassionate"... Why don't you try having some.
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