Yoga FTW!

Tonight was great. Around 4pm, I felt a little down, because I read somewhere that BPD cannot be changed by just wanting to change and working hard to change your thought process. I felt as if I were suffocating, as if there was no reason to leave my little studio apartment. I could feel myself sinking, I could feel the ice cold water start to fill my lungs as the dark waters enveloped me.

But I promised my life coach I was going to go to her yoga class. And so I got my butt off the computer seat, put on my yoga pants, and got in the car only to realize that I don't own a yoga mat!! The studio I've been going to has free mats you can use. So I rush to target, but by the time I get back in my car there's no way I'll be able to make it to my life coach's class. So I stop at Jamba Juice, get my beloved Macha Green Tea, and relax for a little until the Hatha Yoga class starts at the studio I've been going to...I'm still in my $30 for 30 days trial period, so I might as well get my money's worth!

I have something called patella femoral syndrome (hoorah, another issue!). Basically, my hips, knee caps and ankles don't line up due to the fact that my knee cap isn't in line with my femur bone since the cartilage is (essentially) gone. Normally yoga is really hard for me, because I can't do the poses the "right" way. And being me, I always stress that people are looking at me, that I'm a failure, and I feel the need to be doing it perfectly. But today, I just did it the way it felt good for my body. And when my teacher started to tell me, out loud, that I needed to straighten my foot, I just said my foot doesn't go that way. And you know what?? It was OKAY. She was GLAD that I told her! And she told the class to take after me by doing what's right for their own body!

And when I went to Fred's house to see Baby, he was so happy to see me. He ran out with a big smile and brought me into the living room to play with him. And with the endorphins running through me, and with the success of just experiencing yoga and not letting my Manager voice ruin it, I had more energy to play with him and take care of him tonight than I've had in months...actually, ever. This was genuine energy. It wasn't a show, it wasn't something I had to work hard to do. We just had fun. And I got in the bath tub with him and taught him how to kick with straight legs (I was a swim teacher for fie years), and we had a splash fight. And he fell asleep, so peacefully, in my arms. It was wonderful to see a direct correlation between doing the things I want to do (yoga, meditation, herbs, ect) and my relationship with my son. He was SO happy. He didn't want me to leave his sight. He knew his mommy was 100% there for the first time in a looooong time.

And as I drove home from Fred's house to my little studio, I was happily thinking about the wonderful effect yoga had on me, specifically how just accepting that my body was different made the whole experience that much better. I can't physically do the poses like everyone else, but I can still stretch the same muscles and have the same spiritual experience. My body is just a little twisted. And then it dawned on me...my body is twisted just like my mind is a little twisted. I might not think like everyone, and things may be harder for me, but that's okay. Because I am strong enough to change the way I think. I am strong enough to separate myself from my emotions and experiences. I'm strong enough to realize that I may have borderline experiences, but I AM NOT BORDERLINE (screams the crazy girl...haha).

I'm drinking my warm water, taking my bedtime herbs my Ayurvedic Consultant gave to me, and I'm going to get restful sleep for yoga at 8am =)