March 29, 2009
And so this darkness consumes me, controls me. No matter how hard I try, I feel like I'm drowing quickly, painfully. This awareness is like water penetrating my lungs. Feeling the darkness creep up on me and knowing it's irrational is awful, because no matter how hard you focus, its grip on your soul is only stronger. Understanding the depths of my own despair, of the Borderline that my mother planted in me, only exhausts me. I've been climbing mountains, staying strong, healing for years now, only to realize that I'm at the base of the mountain.
And people say things like stay strong, I'm praying for you, it'll be okay, stay hopeful. But they don't know anything about this darkness. This fear. This awful monster inside of me.
They don't know how I just want to fly away. There's no going back now, though. I'm too aware. I can't play pretend, I can't hide behind a different facade every few years. There's only one place left to fly to. Unless I can find my way to peace here, that is. But the pain is so awful I don't know how much longer I can bear it. I can't endure so much of this.
Yesterday my car smelled like Raid, the ant-killing spray. And the poison smelled so sweet, and for a second it made everything feel better. I wonder if that's how the ants feel...peaceful before they go. I wonder if in that moment, that moment of peace, if death feels worth the release from life, from enduring and hoping for a better day that never seems to come. For a day that is mountains ahead of you. Or I wonder if in that sweet, pain free moment, people remember something that was worth living for...a lover's kiss, disneyland, a baby's smile.
But what if the pain makes it impossible to experience these earthly things that others find worth living for? What if the only peace left is in the sweet poison, in the release.
Hmm this reminds me of myself. it's almost like trying to be something it's not. like i laugh sometimes now at how serious i was then. i was so dramatic. but anyway. i wrote stuff like this all the time. so morbid. shocking in it's on special way. but anyways i read a bit of your info and it looks as if you are finding the light these days. good for you! good luck with that.
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