Borderline Tattoo

One of my impulsive decisions that I made actually turned out to be one of the best things I ever did. I got a tattoo that I had only thought about for about a week, if that. The text says, "Dear God, Please make me a bird, so I can fly, fly far, far away from here". Then there's the cage, with blackbirds flying out of it and into a tree.

The quote, as I'm sure everyone knows, is from Forrest Gump. Jenny says this prayer when she wants to get away from her abusive home. I was never sexually abused, but I know how Jenny felt as Lynyrd Skynyrd's Free Bird was playing while she tiptoed the edge of the balcony, and she played on the borderline. They didn't say it in the movie, but I know that Jenny was still saying that prayer. And ultimately, what she kept running from as she switched identities every few years was herself. 

The cage and the birds were for being a Free Bird, because I always called myself that. The birds are blackbirds for my #1 favorite song, Blackbird by the Beatles. I realized, though, that the cage is actually Borderline Personality Disorder. And the song Blackbird is actually about a time when Paul McCartney saw a black woman being beat during the Civil Rights movement, he was so impressed that the focus of the movement was Non-Violent Communication. It's about singing in the dead of night, because none of us really want to show our pain. We put on this act around other people, but  when we are alone with ourselves trying to fall asleep with what we've become, it's hard. It's torture. It's hard trying to be so sure when you really don't know much about the world, or even about who you are. It gets depressing and hopeless wondering if you'll ever be able to transcend this suffering and rise above it all. But we take these broken wings, these abused, heart broken, dehumanized wings, and we will learn to fly. I'm just waiting for that moment when I can actually be myself, when I can be free of the borderline, free of my mother's hatred that has turned into my own self-hatred.

Another symbolism in my tattoo is from Breakfast at Tiffany's. 

 The first part of the movie that is a part of my tattoo is this:

Holly (to Doc): You mustn't give your heart to a wild thing. The more you do, the stronger they get, until they're strong enough to fly into a tree, then to a higher tree then to the sky...

This is why I have the birds flying into a tree. Eventually, the background of my half sleeve will be the sky.

Paul (to Holly): You know what's wrong with you, Miss whoever-you-are? You call yourself a 

free spirit, a wild thing. You’re terrified somebody’s going to stick you in a cage. Well, baby, you’re 

already in that cage. You built it yourself. Its wherever you go, because no matter where you run, 

you just keep running into yourself."

I've spent the last few years of my life running away, and I recently realized that I was running away 

from myself. And I kept "failing" because no matter where I went, my demons were there, waiting. But 

now I know that I CAN'T run away from myself, and I'm going to have to face it, deal with it, and learn

to live with it...I will be a free spirit, free of my mother's hatred, and my own self-hatred...someday.

Holly (to Paul): Nobody's going to put me in a cage.

Paul: I want to love you...

Holly: It's the same thing!

Paul: No, it's not! Holly!

Holly: I'm not Holly. I'm not LulaMae, either. I don't know who I am!

FYI, in case you all didn't realize it, Holly Golightly has BPD. I find this ironic, because this movie has been my favorite for nearly a decade, and I just recently made the connection.

I picked a peach blossom as the tree because in Taoism, the Peach Blossom is a symbol of longevity. "The peach tree is a tremendous Chinese symbol for longevity as well as other auspicious attributes. Each element of the peach tree has significant meaning. The wood of the tree was said to ward off evil, and ancient warriors would craft weapons from the wood. Taoist magic was made with the petals of the peach blossoms - the effects were known to put men into an intense trance of love. It is said that the Peach plant of immortality located in the Kun Lun mountains would produce the fruit only once every 3,000 years. When this happened, the Eight Immortals would gather and eat of the magic fruit, assuring their immortality." I want to ward off the evil brewing inside of me, I want to love myself (once I find myself), and I want to live on forever through writing and helping others.

I have, unfortunately, removed the photos of the tattoo for anonymity purposes.