Maybe Okay?

So, I lost my job.

And I'm surprisingly okay. I'm staying focused on the FACTS. I already applied for a couple of jobs, and I have an interview Monday morning. Ironically, its for a job that will pay me at least $5 more an hour, and I was already making good money at my old job, considering my age and lack of degree.

My biggest challenge on a day-to-day basis right now is Fred's dear mother, Beth. Beth is the bane of my existence, and she is absolutely kryptonite for BPD. I met Beth when I was fifteen years old, and she saw all of the abuse and pain I suffered growing up. She was like the mother I never had. We did volunteer work together, cooked together, and were both into the same spiritual/personal development topics. I even took her with me to the PeaceJam Conference in 2006 to hear the Dalai Lama (I actually snuck around security, HUGGED The Dalai Lama, and he said Namaste to me!). I loved her so much, and went to her with all my problems as if she were my mother.

When I turned 18, Fred and I broke up for about two months. It was a combination of graduating high school, turning 18, and the first feelings of engulfment. When we got back together, there was a notable difference. She made little snide remarks, and when I walked in it was OBVIOUS that I was not welcome in her home. I was very confused, because Fred's brother's girlfriend had broken up with him the previous year, and SHE was a bitch. She threw temper tantrums in public, whined 24/7, used him, wore tiny little skirts to family dinners, cheated on him, and talked crap about him. Beth always talked about how she missed the exgirlfriend so much, and she would always say that she was praying for her and still wanted her to come visit. What the fuck?? I took her to meet the Dalai Lama and am totally take-home-to-mom material....mothers LOVE me!
One day I cried to Fred because I felt so awful, so unwelcomed and mistreated. He then talked to his mother, who had an epiphany. Fred, his parents, and I had a group discussion about this epiphany. Beth realized (and admitted) that I "never had a chance" because any girl who dated Fred (she basically admitted that Fred is her favorite son) wouldn't be good enough, and anyone who hurt him or wasn't PERFECT was going to bother her. She went on to say that she was glad she realized this, because she never understood why she had to try so hard to force herself to act like she liked me. Whooooaaaa. Talk about my poor, eighteen year old heart breaking. And my fifteen year old heart broke, too, because I thought she loved me. And I found out that she was faking it.
So I gently voiced my hurt by saying "It really hurts that this whole time you were faking liking me, that you never liked me..."
She denied it, that wasn't it. I repeated what she had said and then tried to voice my feelings again, but her husband defended her and said "She wasn't faking, she was trying".
And Fred stayed quite.
My heart was broken, and I felt so invalidated. Everyone was so happy for Beth, it was all about how wonderful it was that she had healed. And I just sat there, my heart breaking into a million pieces. Not only did my own mother hate me, but now I find out that this bitch had been FAKING. How does a woman in her forties dislike a teenage girl who comes to her crying about how her mother abuses her??

And now, with my depression, she just doesn't get it. We've talked again, and she apologized for never realizing how hurt I was. And she said it always just bothers her because she can tell I'm always trying to please everyone. So I was, once again, open with her. I told her about BPD, about my depression, and about how trying hard to make everyone like me is a part of my disorder. And the bitch still says snide little comments to me.
One day, in the midst of a REALLY bad depression, I could see that Fred was stressed and drained. So I offered him a back massage without wanting or expecting one in return. Keep in mind that I'm feeling like shit, and I'm his mother is nearby and in plain sight. But damn it, I love him and care about him and am trying SO HARD. When I was done massaging me, he had me lay on the floor next to him, and he started massaging my neck. Beth goes, "Huh, that sure was a short massage for Fred. How did it turn into being all about Holly?" I was so fucking angry that I got up and went to sleep for hours in the middle of the day. I don't know what to do with anger (because I'm afraid of turning into my mother), so I always go to sleep when I'm really angry. Right when I went to sleep, our son woke up. Fred got him and took him downstairs. As I drifted in and out of sleep, I heard various remarks from Beth, among them, "How is it that when Baby wakes up, Holly gets to take a nap and you have to do everything?"
I had a chat with Beth afterwards about these snide remarks. She said that she thought I was just "making it all about Holly". See, this bothers me because I put my son first for everything. I had to have the strength to admit that I am not being a good enough mother for him and do not live with him full time. I was angry, and instead of letting him sense my anger towards Beth, I completely removed myself from the situation. For some reason, Beth seems to just think I am inherently bad.
But, I had faith that after this specific talk, and after I really made it clear how hard things were at the moment, I hoped that she would have some fucking compassion. Wrong!
I don't get to see my son as often. When I was in a really bad place a few weeks ago, I only had strength and energy to see him for a few hours at a time. The day after I had that last chat with Beth, I show up to see Aiden and she says, "Oh, Mommy better read all those books to you to make up for lost time!" FUCK YOU! YOU THINK I WANT YOU RAISING MY SON? DO YOU THINK I WANT TO BE DEPRESSED? DO YOU THINK I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO GIVE HIM EVERYTHING HE DESERVES? AND WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME, YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO COMPASSION OR STRENGTH! YOU'RE NEARLY FIFTY AND I'M MORE SELF AWARE THAN YOU ARE!
Ugh. And she LOVES to tell me what Baby is like, as if I don't know my own son.
The remarks go on and on. I just tuned her out. I gave up, to a certain extent, trying to win her approval. I'm stressed and anxious around her because I fear her judgment, but I'm done trying to please her for the sake of getting her approval. As soon as I'm healthy enough, Fred and I are getting our own place. And soon, when Baby is old enough, he will be in preschool and I will only see that bitch on my terms.
There was a recent comment that astounded me, though. After two weeks of tuning her out, I noticed that she was being so nice. She was making me food, making sure I was hydrated...just being so nice. And one Wednesday after therapy, she must've asked me ten times how I was doing. So finally I told her a little about IFS and my different "parts". I told her the story about the time my mother hit me so hard my nose bled, and how I ran into her arms. This is the epitome of a Borderline mother-daughter relationship, and is so twisted with the combination of evident physical and emotional abuse. I never told her that my mom physically harmed me. And you know what her immediate response to that story was?? "Oh, we need to watch and make sure you don't do the same to Baby".
Oh. My. God. Why would ANYONE think that would be the appropriate response to ANYONE admitting to physical abuse? And she KNOWS I have BPD, and she would dare insinuate something that would suggest I am a bad mother, that I would hurt my son? FYI, I do not have an anger problem. That is one BPD symptom I do not have at all. I have never hurt my son. And his needs are number one to me. I don't even want him to sense my depression, so I always make sure I am "running on all cylinders" when I'm around him. She has absolutely no compassion for me, and it drives me crazy. I was strong enough to calmly respond, "Well, I don't have an anger problem, so I'm not worried about that."
Since she just wants to assume that I'm inherently bad, her response is, "Well, you can control it."
I respond, "Well, that's what not having an anger problem means". Dumbass.
I don't get how someone can respond that way. And this would be one of the things I give up on while I'm doing my self healing, but I CAN'T because I have to deal with this woman every single day. She gets to raise my beautiful, perfect baby boy. I love him so much. He is the cutest, sweetest, smartest little boy ever.


Today I was sleeping (having a little depression from losing my job), and on his own, he came to find me, shut the door, and when I opened my eyes I saw two striking blue eyes looking at me over the edge of the bed oh-so lovingly. He said, "Mom!" and turned his chin up to blow me kisses. And in that instant, I said to myself that this is what I live for.

To conclude this, I will quote the Dalai Lama:
"In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher."

"It is necessary to help others, not only in our prayers, but in our daily lives. If we find we cannot help others, the least we can do is to desist from harming them."

Beth is officially my teacher. I will learn not to give a shit about what ignorant, compassionless people think about. I will not be mean back to her, and I will use her has a daily challenge that will help me become a stronger, less borderline person.

And I love my son. Isn't he adorable?  These are from a park adventure today...