Along the lines of connections, another thing that I recently discovered is even more meaningful and significant to me than I had original thought is Buddhism.
When I was sixteen I took a major religions course at my Catholic High School...ironic, huh? Once I understood Buddhism, it was the first time in my life that I was able to move forward. For the first time, I took a peek at myself and decided that I wanted to change, and I knew that change had to come from within. I knew I couldn't wait any longer for my mother to nurture me...I had to do it myself. I know that I could seek love and approval from others when I didn't even give it to myself. I knew that my mind could do whatever it wanted. I knew I needed to let go and live in the present moment.
Obviously, five years later, as I am struggling with BPD more than ever (it normally doesn't hit hard until the onset of adulthood, between 18 and 22), I haven't fully embraced these things. For a long time I did, until I fell off the bandwagon, so to speak. But I stopped living the Buddha because I never actually faced all the darkness inside of me. Some people try to say just move on. But you have to face your demons, and with Borderline Personality Disorder, you HAVE TO validate your emotions and your experiences as real. But, I'm learning to acknowledge my emotions, name them, but not identify with them. For example, "I feel depressed right now" rather than "I am depressed right now". I am not my emotions. I'm also learning to experience them. My entire life I have not expressed rage. SEE, not all borderlines have inappropriate rage ;) But, the reason I NEVER allow myself to be angry is because my Borderline Mother was SO angry that it terrified me to become her. And I saw how much her anger hurt me, and I just couldn't do that to others. I wanted to be the change I wished to see in her. And so I experience them, and I tell myself that my emotions are not bad, because they are just emotions. They will pass, and they cannot control me. Well, sometimes they do...a lot of times they do. But hey, I'm thinking positive here!! Right thought, Right Action. The thing is, my mother always made me feel as if my emotions were bad. She would read my diary and yell at me for the things I wrote. She would scream at me and degrade me when I cried. And I never had a good example of how to deal with emotion. So accepting that my emotions and experiences are not bad is hard to do. Can't you see what an awful cycle it is for a Borderline, though? To feel as if our emotions and experiences and thoughts are innately bad only makes me feel like I'm a bad person, but then by feeling like a bad person, I'm only having more emotions and thoughts! So then I hate myself even more, and the cycle goes on and on, spiraling downward...
Back to Buddhism though. While researching BPD a month or so ago, looking for some form of treatment that would help me, I came across Marsha Linehan's DBT, which is largely derived from Buddhism! Then I found a book called The Buddha and the Borderline (Kiera Van Gelder). I bought it for my iPhone immediately, and started highlighting away. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I was reading my own experience, the first time I felt like someone else had been floating in the world of insanity like I had. And in the book I came across a quote that resounded inside of me: "All we are is the result of all that we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think, we become". So wouldn't it make sense that, after hearing my mother tell me I'm worthless, disgusting, bad ect. for twenty years, that those thoughts would just become habitual? It's automatic for me to allow her voice to speak over my "true self", because that's all I know. But if I know otherwise now, and if I just keep thinking the right thoughts, then eventually will I become right action? Can I, overtime, replace the old way of thinking with the new? I feel like the mind is so powerful and can do anything. What if I just retrain myself?
You know, it makes me proud of my "true self", wherever she is. She's in there somewhere. And all this time, all these years, she's been trying to heal herself, trying to separate from the Borderline. She fell in love with Breakfast at Tiffany's, only to find out ten years later that Holly Golightly has BPD. She loves the song Blackbird, and, well, you read my last post. And she felt like Buddhism allowed her to be the free bird she wanted to be, and perhaps she's right, if Buddhism is essential the leading treatment for BPD. I'm proud of my "true self" for rising above, for always trying to keep separate from the Borderline even when the emotions felt like they were taking over. And that is one of the best things I can do for myself...separate myself from the Borderline inside me, from the hate, from my mother's voice. I am not my disorder. And my "true self" knows this, I just don't know her.
P.S:
I had an INCREDIBLY shitty day today. And this is my therapy. Right Thought, Right Action. I'd say this is good progress. Let's see how long it lasts...
Your post made my week. You are me, in a nut shell. Your post sums up my life and your description of your mother, fits the exact description of my mother. My mom suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and since I was a young child, always told me I was worthless and that if I felt sad or scared that I was bad and wrong. Whenever I would lose a friend or a job, she was always there to remind me how defective I was. She would cry herself to sleep, asking God why she was cursed with a mentally ill child like me. She would barrade me about how all of her friend's kids were graduating college and how I was still struggling with mental illness. She would tell me how embarassed she as of me. I understand the pain and I understand where it comes from, but you are a beautiful soul and you need to find the strength to break through the illness and live the beautiful life that you were mean to live. Your mother projected her inner beliefs about herself onto you. It is like a reflection in a mirror and now you are forced to pick up her pieces, but I believe in you. Never feel alone, you are never alone:) There are so many people in the world that have walked in your shoes. You never had a mother figure so you need to learn how to love yourself and to take care of yourself. It is a rough road ahead, but strength and love will get you through. You need to remember that you are not who your mother told you, you always were. You need to be strong and become the person, you were destined to be:)
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