I feel light headed and cold. I feel separate from myself. i found myself rocking back and forth. i found myself  using my meditation cushion as a place to sit as drew blood from my thighs. i found myself in insanity, and i knew it, i know it, but i can't get out of it.

how many antidepressants does it take to commit suicide? but i can't leave. i can't leave my sweet boy. and i hate that. i want to go. i want to get away from me. i want more blood. i dont like crying. its so cold. and i dont want to be a burden. but i feel like my life is ruined. and im so young. i know i'm smart and beautiful. and i've wasted it all. i have nothing but Fred and my baby, two boys i dont deserve. i want to rip my heart out. i want to be texted back. i want to stop living this life. i just want my baby.

i feel like i could stop feeling this way. i could control this, hide it, pretend. but the facade is exhausting. but this despair scares me.