Another Beginning

So, I lost my job on Friday. It's Monday, and I already have another job. In fact, this job has better hours, I get every weekend off, and I get paid $10k more a year.

I'm looking forward to a new beginning. I get some time off between jobs to really clean my little home up, get it organized, get myself organized...I'm starting my Ayurveda Therapy, my Life Coach sessions, and now I won't be working crazy retail hours...it'll be a nice 9-5, Monday-Friday.

I want to live a better life. My place is a mess. I haven't done yoga since Thursday, I haven't meditated at all, I forgot to take my herbs last night AND this morning, and I haven't started reading any of my books. And I'm exhausted.
But, to give myself credit, I handled losing my job without having any form a breakdown.
And yesterday I saw my entire Mom's side of the family and I came out alive and well. I told one of my aunt's off and was SO proud of myself. This was the Catholic Aunt who has always given me a hard time about calling myself a Buddhist. Mind you, she is the most judgmental, cruel, compassionless person in my family. At least my mom puts a facade on, Catholic Aunt is just raging angry, emotional, dissociated with reality BPD. Yikes. It obviously runs in the family. Anyways, so Catholic Aunt was giving me a hard time about "being Buddhist" (which I actually don't consider myself to be, ESPECIALLY since identifying with a religion and labeling yourself is very not-Buddhist, and its also not very good for someone with BPD to allow themselves to latch onto identities), saying I don't go to a temple, and I like clothes too much to be a Buddhist. So I said, "I know I'm not perfect, but I was under the impression that followers of Christ were supposed to be compassionate and not judgmental." HA. Take that, you Catholic hypocrites. And she didn't give me shit for the rest of the day. Muahahaha.

And my Baby loves my mother. And she's so good to him. At the same time my stepdad realized my mom was missing from the front room, I realized Baby was missing. I found them sitting alone together in my mother's massive walk-in closet. She had made him his own special little Easter basket, and they were just sitting together playing. It was the sweetest thing. And Baby loves her so, so much, and I can see how good it is for my mother. They're so happy together. Since he isn't her child, there's absolutely no anger involved with him. Its the same with my grandmother and I. She never validated her children, never brushed their hair, never played with them, never expressed love. Granted, she had 9 kids, but still. With me, though, she was so loving! She always played with my hair, hugged me, spoiled me with attention and food...even to this day, she still treats me like her baby (in hindsight, I'm sure part of the reason my mom and aunts were so mean to me was because of jealousy and resentment). So it makes me happy to see my mom and Baby together, because I know he brings her happiness that isn't related to any of her inner demons.

I honestly don't hold any resentment or anger towards my mom. I understand that she's sick. I know I talk about how she hurt me a lot, but that's me trying to put the pieces together. Just as she has a distorted view of reality, I have a distorted view of her. One one hand there's the disgusted, angry mother raising her hand to hit me...and on the other hand, there's my mom sitting peacefully with my son, happy and validated by his unconditional and genuine love. On that hand, I see her pain. I understand the darkness that lies within her, and I know how terrified and lonely she must feel. I love her, and I will never stop, regardless of what she has done to me. I know she just needs love. I can't help her, she has to help herself, but I will love her.