Yoga FTW!

Tonight was great. Around 4pm, I felt a little down, because I read somewhere that BPD cannot be changed by just wanting to change and working hard to change your thought process. I felt as if I were suffocating, as if there was no reason to leave my little studio apartment. I could feel myself sinking, I could feel the ice cold water start to fill my lungs as the dark waters enveloped me.

But I promised my life coach I was going to go to her yoga class. And so I got my butt off the computer seat, put on my yoga pants, and got in the car only to realize that I don't own a yoga mat!! The studio I've been going to has free mats you can use. So I rush to target, but by the time I get back in my car there's no way I'll be able to make it to my life coach's class. So I stop at Jamba Juice, get my beloved Macha Green Tea, and relax for a little until the Hatha Yoga class starts at the studio I've been going to...I'm still in my $30 for 30 days trial period, so I might as well get my money's worth!

I have something called patella femoral syndrome (hoorah, another issue!). Basically, my hips, knee caps and ankles don't line up due to the fact that my knee cap isn't in line with my femur bone since the cartilage is (essentially) gone. Normally yoga is really hard for me, because I can't do the poses the "right" way. And being me, I always stress that people are looking at me, that I'm a failure, and I feel the need to be doing it perfectly. But today, I just did it the way it felt good for my body. And when my teacher started to tell me, out loud, that I needed to straighten my foot, I just said my foot doesn't go that way. And you know what?? It was OKAY. She was GLAD that I told her! And she told the class to take after me by doing what's right for their own body!

And when I went to Fred's house to see Baby, he was so happy to see me. He ran out with a big smile and brought me into the living room to play with him. And with the endorphins running through me, and with the success of just experiencing yoga and not letting my Manager voice ruin it, I had more energy to play with him and take care of him tonight than I've had in months...actually, ever. This was genuine energy. It wasn't a show, it wasn't something I had to work hard to do. We just had fun. And I got in the bath tub with him and taught him how to kick with straight legs (I was a swim teacher for fie years), and we had a splash fight. And he fell asleep, so peacefully, in my arms. It was wonderful to see a direct correlation between doing the things I want to do (yoga, meditation, herbs, ect) and my relationship with my son. He was SO happy. He didn't want me to leave his sight. He knew his mommy was 100% there for the first time in a looooong time.

And as I drove home from Fred's house to my little studio, I was happily thinking about the wonderful effect yoga had on me, specifically how just accepting that my body was different made the whole experience that much better. I can't physically do the poses like everyone else, but I can still stretch the same muscles and have the same spiritual experience. My body is just a little twisted. And then it dawned on me...my body is twisted just like my mind is a little twisted. I might not think like everyone, and things may be harder for me, but that's okay. Because I am strong enough to change the way I think. I am strong enough to separate myself from my emotions and experiences. I'm strong enough to realize that I may have borderline experiences, but I AM NOT BORDERLINE (screams the crazy girl...haha).

I'm drinking my warm water, taking my bedtime herbs my Ayurvedic Consultant gave to me, and I'm going to get restful sleep for yoga at 8am =)

Intention

So it's 2:43 A.M., and I'm sitting here blogging.

I'm better today. While on one hand that's a good thing, it's also concerning because I find it slightly insane that 24 hours ago I was a depressed mess, and now I'm hopeful and feeling slightly enlightened. I guess I'll take what I can get, and since in this moment I feel good, I'm going to enjoy it.

I want to get better. But I'm afraid. I don't know who I'll be. My insecurities, my mother's voice inside of me, have always been the drive that has made me succeed. What will I do without that?
There are two things I tell myself in response to this:
1. I am not my personality disorder. I am not identified as BPD. BPD is an experience that I have, albeit a very overwhelming, insane, and difficult experience. But I am not my disorder.
2. I need to take credit for my success. Although a lot of my perseverance and drive can be credited towards my need to be enough to my mother, I would not have been able to accomplish what I have if I  did not have the talent and abilities. Also, with my mother's voice out of my head, it's not like suddenly I won't want to do well in life. Quite the opposite, I'm sure. I will still be competitive, outgoing, and driven, it'll just be for the right reasons. And what's better, is not only will I still be all those things, I'll be an even stronger person. Win-win, right?

I've decided that I need to work on letting go of the past. I will still give my inner child time to heal and be nurtured, though, and I will still acknowledge my emotions when the come, and I will let them go. But I want my big focus to be on the present. I'm not healthy enough to think too far into the future...that creates too much anxiety right now. So, each day, I want to set goals. And every month, I want to have a focus for my improvement.

Every Day, I will:
-Meditate in the morning
-Do a Sun Salutation in the morning
-Drink my Shadyrest tea
-Put all my clothes away before I go to bed

For the month of April:
I will focus on Presence. I will release the past and its burden of broken dreams. Actually, I take that back...I'm not ready for that at all, and I don't want to set myself up for failure.
Okay, so for the month of April...I will remember that my experiences are neither good nor bad. My thoughts create my reality, and will remind myself daily to simply allow myself to experience the world without judgment. I will acknowledge my emotions, validate them myself, and let them pass. I will read this every day to reinforce my monthly intention:

In the realm of matter, one and the same object can serve as a cause of happiness for some living beings, and a cause of suffering for others. Certain plants, for example, function as medicine for some creatures, but for other species they can be poisonous. From the point of view of the object itself there is no difference, but because of the physical constitution and the material state of the particular living being, that single self-same object can affect them in different ways. Then, in the sphere of our own experiences, the same holds true. A certain individual may appear to some as very friendly, kind and gentle, and so gives them feelings of happiness and pleasure. Yet to others that same person can appear harmful and wicked, and so cause them discomfort and unhappiness.

What this kind of example points to is that, although external matter may act as a cause for our experience of pain and pleasure, the principal cause that determines whether we experience happiness or suffering lies within. This is the reason why, when Buddha identified the origin of suffering, he pointed within and not outside, because he knew that the principal causes of our suffering are our own negative emotions and the actions they drive us to do.---Dzogchen: The Heart Essence of the Great Perfection