Another day that isn't yesterday

I recently had a comment on one of my earlier posts from A.Chocobo inquiring as to whether or not I had advice, because they believe they might be Borderline, as well. 

Quizzes online can open doors to ideas we’d yet to come across, but that’s it--it’s all ideas, and general ones at that. Ultimately, we are the only ones who truly know our experiences and the effects they have on us. I can describe the pain of my five-year self backwards and forwards, but no one else will ever feel the exact repercussions. But you know your pain. And perhaps you’ve let that pain consume you.

That is where our downfall lies--when we allow our EXPERIENCES overcome us, consume us. We have these unique experiences that are labeled “borderline”, and we relinquish control of our future experiences by giving our past experiences power in the present. Borderline is not who we are, but what we have gone through and how we let it affect us. Borderline means something different to all of us. And so I urge you all to join in and write about what Borderline means in your life, and post a link to your writing here so we can all get through this together.

For me, it’s the aching and yearning of my five-year old self. It’s the darkness she experiences, the isolation and confusion she felt from a mother who projected her self-hatred onto her daughter. It’s the fear of her mother being right--the fear of being an inherently bad, disgusting person. For me it’s the slap across my face, a slap so hard that my nose bled. For me it’s wanting to run away from everyone who knows me so I can run away from myself. For me BPD is the desire to be accepted, the need for validation I never received. 

BPD is not who we are, but merely a name for, and a means of categorizing, our past experiences. 

What gets me through is focusing on what I have control over and ONLY what I have control over. I DO NOT have control over my past--and what’s wonderful is that the past is over. I do not have control over how others act. But I do have control over how I act. I do have control over allowing BPD to consume me. I do have control over separating my experiences in my childhood from the world I’m experiencing in the present. And it’s hard. I struggle every single day. 

I’ve wanted to run away from my job for a long time. But I stick it out. I deal with others and I deal with myself and force myself to be the person I want to be. And then, after an incredible day where I’ve made remarkable progress, I get in my car and cry. I allow myself to feel the pain. Because it’s okay. And then I get up the next morning stronger, ready for another day that isn’t yesterday.

Intention

So it's 2:43 A.M., and I'm sitting here blogging.

I'm better today. While on one hand that's a good thing, it's also concerning because I find it slightly insane that 24 hours ago I was a depressed mess, and now I'm hopeful and feeling slightly enlightened. I guess I'll take what I can get, and since in this moment I feel good, I'm going to enjoy it.

I want to get better. But I'm afraid. I don't know who I'll be. My insecurities, my mother's voice inside of me, have always been the drive that has made me succeed. What will I do without that?
There are two things I tell myself in response to this:
1. I am not my personality disorder. I am not identified as BPD. BPD is an experience that I have, albeit a very overwhelming, insane, and difficult experience. But I am not my disorder.
2. I need to take credit for my success. Although a lot of my perseverance and drive can be credited towards my need to be enough to my mother, I would not have been able to accomplish what I have if I  did not have the talent and abilities. Also, with my mother's voice out of my head, it's not like suddenly I won't want to do well in life. Quite the opposite, I'm sure. I will still be competitive, outgoing, and driven, it'll just be for the right reasons. And what's better, is not only will I still be all those things, I'll be an even stronger person. Win-win, right?

I've decided that I need to work on letting go of the past. I will still give my inner child time to heal and be nurtured, though, and I will still acknowledge my emotions when the come, and I will let them go. But I want my big focus to be on the present. I'm not healthy enough to think too far into the future...that creates too much anxiety right now. So, each day, I want to set goals. And every month, I want to have a focus for my improvement.

Every Day, I will:
-Meditate in the morning
-Do a Sun Salutation in the morning
-Drink my Shadyrest tea
-Put all my clothes away before I go to bed

For the month of April:
I will focus on Presence. I will release the past and its burden of broken dreams. Actually, I take that back...I'm not ready for that at all, and I don't want to set myself up for failure.
Okay, so for the month of April...I will remember that my experiences are neither good nor bad. My thoughts create my reality, and will remind myself daily to simply allow myself to experience the world without judgment. I will acknowledge my emotions, validate them myself, and let them pass. I will read this every day to reinforce my monthly intention:

In the realm of matter, one and the same object can serve as a cause of happiness for some living beings, and a cause of suffering for others. Certain plants, for example, function as medicine for some creatures, but for other species they can be poisonous. From the point of view of the object itself there is no difference, but because of the physical constitution and the material state of the particular living being, that single self-same object can affect them in different ways. Then, in the sphere of our own experiences, the same holds true. A certain individual may appear to some as very friendly, kind and gentle, and so gives them feelings of happiness and pleasure. Yet to others that same person can appear harmful and wicked, and so cause them discomfort and unhappiness.

What this kind of example points to is that, although external matter may act as a cause for our experience of pain and pleasure, the principal cause that determines whether we experience happiness or suffering lies within. This is the reason why, when Buddha identified the origin of suffering, he pointed within and not outside, because he knew that the principal causes of our suffering are our own negative emotions and the actions they drive us to do.---Dzogchen: The Heart Essence of the Great Perfection