It's been awhile

Stole this from Haven over at Beyond the Borderline Personality and figured why not have some fun, too?

QUESTIONS: 

1. If money didn't matter, where would your perfect vacation take place? Briefly describe.

 2. What's a bad habit that you have {or had} that is/was hard to break?

 3. If you weren't on a diet or counting calories, what would you like to have for dinner tonight?

 4. If you had the chance to interview anyone in the world, dead or alive, who would it be and what's one question that you would ask?

 5. Describe yourself in 6 words.

ANSWERS:

1.) I absolutely love to travel, so on one hand I'd want to tour Italy again, only this time without a guide, or I'd want to go on a Yoga Retreat with Shiva Rea. The retreat is probably my #1 vacation goal...yoga three times a day, all inclusive resort in India, going to the tree where the Buddha was enlightened, riding an Elephant, feeding the homeless, Ayurvedic Massages every day...simply amazing.

2.) Ugh, where do I even start? I don't drink, I don't smoke, but I love to flirt. I'm working on not flirting, but my eyes flirt without me even wanting to! I've been told I scream sexuality. I wish I could just keep that to myself (and a chosen partner!).

3.) I definitely don't calorie count or subscribe to a diet. But I'd love some sushi right now. Or, my favorite home dinner is sloppy joes with macaroni and cheese. Simple, nostalgic, delicious.

4.) Thich Nhat Hanh: Do I need to just let go of the past to heal, or do I need to focus on the past adequately before I can truly move on?

5.) Blackbird singing in the dead of night.

And as for me? I'm in a survival float right now. Got an email from the Family I was going to Nanny for saying that they decided to go with someone else. I've sent out about 50 resumes. I have about 3 options (well, one is a Nanny Recruiting Agency, so that's one option with a lot of options), so I'm hoping that by the end of this week I'll have a job. 

Fred and his family went camping, and there was no way in hell I was going to be in a tiny campsite with his mother for a whole week. I absolutely LOVE camping and really wanted to be there, but I knew it wouldn't be good for me. And then, Baby got really sick with his asthma, so he got to stay behind with me. And it was amazing. Not having Beth around made my mind feel SO much more clear. I'm so tired of her being passive aggressive. She obviously doesn't like me, is obviously trying to, and is obviously failing. Her lack of compassion and poor opinion of me as a mother and person in general are very clear in the snide little remarks she makes towards me. AND she ALWAYS acts like she's Baby's mother. She'll take over something I'm doing even when I tell her I've got it under control. She shows no consideration for how difficult this living situation is for me, and shows absolutely no respect for me as a mother. 

Today was the worst Mother's Day ever. Spent the entire day at my grandparent's house to celebrate my Grandpa's 70th birthday, which was fine. Usual family drama, but it didn't involve me, so I could quietly observe. But when we got back to Fred's house, Beth was sick (bad cough) and was supposed to be in bed. Well, I'm happily playing with Baby, and the bitch comes over and takes over. It's MOTHERS DAY and she comes to take my son away from me when she's sick. All week I had such an amazing time with him, but I didn't get to go to yoga at all, and Fred accidentally took my herbs in his backpack with him camping, so I didn't have any to take all week, and I had to reschedule my life coaching appointment. I was doing such a great job, too! By the end of the week my patience was wearing, and I had a Borderline day on Saturday because I was SO stressed and anxious about Beth coming home...with everything I did I could just hear her snide remarks in the back of my head, and they made me so angry. Baby senses my anger, too, and it's not good. And it makes me not 100% focused on him. 

I need to find a way to move Fred and I into a place together, with our baby, away from his mother. I want nothing to do with her. She is the bane of my existence. She doesn't need to adore me, hell, she doesn't even need to like me after what I've put her son through. But she needs to treat me like a human being. And I deserve the respect of being a human being and Baby's Mother. 

But, Glee did Fleetwood Mac's Rumours Album this week and that made me so happy. Love love loved it! Another random thing that was on my mind today...Everyone I've ever talked to hates Rachel. I'm not selfish and as extremely crazy as she is, but she was always my favorite character and I kind of identified with her (except I dress really well and "scream sexuality") for some reason. I told Fred this today, and he laughed and said that was ironic, because her personality was his favorite on Glee, too. I guess I should count my blessings that I found someone who completely loves and accepts me for who I am.

And I still believe that BPD is curable, and that it is not who we are. It is something we're experiencing. Fact is, we don't have the answers. We have no way of knowing what reality truly is, because everything we know comes through our perceptions of experience. So, our perceptions are everything. We have control over what reality is. I could be wrong. I could be right. But all I know is, I'm getting better. I'm not perfect, and I never want to be...I always want to improve myself, and thanks to my lifelong friend called BPD, I'll always get to. But I get to decide who I am, what my personality is, ect. We CAN rewire our brains without a lobotomy. It just takes a lot of work, a lot of pain. But once we stop seeing suffering as a bad thing, and instead as a part of the path to healing and enlightenment, it becomes so much easier. I'm reading Thich Nhat Hanh's Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child, and he says, "It's through our suffering that we can see the path of enlightenment, compassion, and love. It's by looking deeply into the nature of our sorrow, our pain, our suffering, that we can find a way out."

The hard part for us, though, is then letting go of the pain...Thich Nhat Hanh recognizes this, too:

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar."

 

 

 

 

Since today is Mother's Day (or was, now it's Monday...) Here's a picture and a song-quote for my beautiful Baby Boy. Today, I celebrated him.

 

"For you, there'll be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining,
...
To you, I'll give the world
to you, I'll never be cold"