A little Self Love

On Lance's blog, a "writing assignment" he had was to write a love letter to himself. Today I sat down with the intention to bitch about Beth some more. I keep meaning to sit and write her a letter (that I will never give to her, but instead use as a form of expression to help clarify my thoughts and prepare for a way to tactfully discuss the issues with her), but every time I sit down, I just don't feel like it. I don't feel like getting myself so worked up. Perhaps if I don't talk about her out loud for a few days I'll have enough pent up anger to vent. Until then, I'm going to put some positive self love out there. I'm stalling though. This is very difficult and awkward for me. I'm tempted to ramble on about how my mom made me believe that I couldn't be special, ect...but no. Here I go.

Blackbird,
You are amazing. You're beautiful. You're insightful. In the midst of depression, you were self-aware enough to note that something was very wrong, more wrong than depression. You were honest with yourself, you were strong and courageous enough to look in the mirror and admit that you, like your mother and your aunts, have Borderline Personality Disorder. I know that day was hard on you. Like most children, you vowed never to become your mother...and you didn't, don't forget that! BPD has so many variations, and you are not angry. You don't have uncontrollable rage. You don't hurt your son. And you're not completely disassociated with reality. But there is a disconnect between what you know about yourself and what you believe about yourself. But you're working on changing that, and it's remarkable that you were the one to name it, to acknowledge the disconnect.

You are the strongest, most intuitive person you've ever met. Since you were a little girl, you've been devoting so much energy into transcending your suffering into strength, compassion, wisdom, and hope. At ten years old, in your first diary, you wrote that you had hatred in your heart and you knew you needed to write to get it out. That is brilliant! That type of self-awareness is remarkable for a grown adult, needless to say a ten year old girl. You were a ten year old girl who never gave up. No matter how much your heart was breaking, you kept your chin up and wrote your little heart out, read every book you could find, and dreamt of a better day, a day that you would make. You never treated kids cruelly, even though they bullied, teased, and hurt you.

It's incredibly impressive that you're able to sit and look at your actions and understand why you act the way you do. There's a lot of hatred in your heart, but you're starting to understand that it isn't your hatred in there, it's your mother's. Regardless, it took all your strength and then some to look yourself in the mirror and confront the darkness. And oh it was a valiant fight. The darkness, at times, swept you underneath, drowning you, disorienting you. And you didn't want to kill yourself, but you just wanted the pain to stop. And the antidepressants you were given worked so quickly, that you thought it couldn't be the medication, it must be my mindset. And so you stopped the medication and got pulled under the darkness once again. And I am SO proud of you deciding to keep fighting. The antidepressants only numbed you to the pain, and when you were numb you weren't aware, so you couldn't fix the root problems. You were brave enough to look the monster in you straight in the eyes and say "Fuck off". You knew you were stronger than it, and you were so right.

You're taking all the right steps to re-wiring your brain. You do yoga 3-5 times a week, you go to an Ayurvedic Consultant, a Psychologist, and a Life Coach. You practice meditation and read every book you can get your hands on...anything by Thich Nhat Hanh is an instant winner. And it's working. You're not freaking out like you used to. You're able to separate yourself from your emotions and experiences. If you don't get a job, you don't internalize it. If you start to feel bad, you just acknowledge that you're having a Borderline moment, you deal with it, and then you move on.

I love the person you are. You're hippie-chic. You're passionate about whatever you do. You wear beautiful skirts, your comfy Naot sandals, handmade jewelry from Tibetan shops, flowing tops, and basically anything Free People. You really do have amazing style. You love the Beatles, Fleetwood Mac, Lynyrd Skynyrd, The Eagles, The Doors...you love to hike and swim. You use yoga as a means of self therapy, and you've been utilizing Buddhism in your life since you were sixteen. You love Audrey Hepburn movies, Apple products (three cheers for my new iPad2!), Gandhi, and the Dalai Lama (who you met and hugged...there's gotta be good karma coming your way). You have an identity, and it's truly a remarkable one.

Wherever you go, people are drawn to you. You have such an amazing smile, big, beautiful brown eyes, and a kindness that people sense. People can tell that you're compassionate. And boy, are you compassionate. Your mother abused you growing up, never gave you affection, the whole nine yards. And you've forgiven her because you understand her pain, you understand that she's in a darker place than you've ever been. On Easter, you couldn't find her or your baby boy (16 months old now!), and you found them sitting on the floor together in her walk-in closet. Your mom was so happy with him, and she was loving him in a way that she never loved you. And Baby adores her, too. But there was not an ounce of jealousy or resentment in you. Instead, you were so happy that it brought tears to your eyes--and you almost never cry.

You're a wonderful person, and you've been fortunate enough to find someone who sees you for who you truly are. He loves your soul. It's not just about your 23" waist, or the fact that your pretty, or even the fact that your highly intelligent. He loves you because you're different, because of your self-awareness, compassion, strength, motivation, and (as he puts it) "cute" personality. And you're a great partner. Right now, you're very focused on healing yourself, but you still make time to take care of him, and you always do a phenomenal job in the bedroom. And, you guys made a BEAUTIFUL baby. He truly is amazing. He has the best disposition, he's very intuitive, intelligent, and he's the cutest little guy anyone ever did see.

You're also a great mother. This is the thing you almost neglected. Don't listen to Beth. Yes, she is very draining. Her negativity suffocates you, and it does impede your parenting abilities. But remember last week when it was just the two of you while they were gone camping? It was great! And the healthier you get, the more energy you have to reach your full potential in all other aspects of your life. You're going about things the smart way...you're building a strong personal foundation before tackling the rest of the world.

Don't be so hard on yourself. As Billy Joel said, slow down, you crazy child. You're only TWENTY YEARS OLD! Well, almost 21. But you are wiser than people twice your age, and you've found all the answers within yourself by your own motivation. I know you wish you were on track to graduating with a degree. But you have learned so much in these past few years, and you still get great job offers. You'll get your degree. You'll be able to do what you want, and you know that you'll be successful in any endeavor you choose.



....and now you're worried that people won't like your blog anymore and will stop following it. Ugh.